investing progress

Investing: Turning A Lady Into A Whore


The Lady started investing in ETFs back in June. Little did she know that was only the gateway. Now she’s investing in stocks and her world may never be the same.

I never dreamed, NEVER dreamed, that I’d be investing. But I am.

This is just a brief account of how my entry into investing has transformed me…and in such short order.

Ticker Obsession

Did you know iPhones (even vintage models like my 4s) have a ticker app pre-installed? Who knew?!?

That app now sits front-screen-and-center next to its sister, TD Ameritrade mobile app. Now that I have started investing, I have both “positions” (sexy little term)  and a healthy watch list (financial voyeurism), I check these sister apps approximately…..a BILLION times a day. In fact, it’s the first thing I look at after waking.

What?!?! It’s fun. It gives me a little jolt of ecstasy to watch my positions turn red then green then green. GREEN, GREEN, GREEN. Sure, I still check my STASH progress, too. But those little ETF (while I know are powerful) just don’t turn me on anymore. This Lady needs some drama. The ups. The downs. The ups. (fans face)

Unlike some newbie investors, I don’t worry when values go down. It’s more like I’m cheering for the underdog. Come on, OPTT. You can do it! MOVE YOUR ASS! (When the hell is ocean wave power going to take off already?!?)

Will this ticker obsession grow old? Yes, I imagine it must…and soon I predict, but man it’s addictive.

Temptation is Everywhere

Today, my morning commute was designed to be a salve for my broken heart, complete with ice coffee and a Dido CD. I was in need a bit of “woah is me” time and sitting in traffic on the 405 freeway is the perfect place for it.

But NO! Instead, everywhere I looked was a potential stock to buy. My morning commute became a veritable barrage of opportunity and greed.

Fuel truck with E85? Huh, I wonder who’s the big player in that realm?

Hyatt Hotel? I wonder if they are still a private company.

What is that giant building? Zillow? Maybe I should research realty and rental companies.

Man, there are a lot of Prius on the freeway nowadays. How expensive is Toyota stock? Can you buy it here? Is it traded in the US?

Public storage is stupid. I can’t believe I got suckered into paying for years. Hey, wait a minute? I wonder what those 5-year charts look like?

In short, my eyes seemed to be open to any and all opportunities…everywhere. My brain almost short-circuited from over-stimulation. I think this is probably a good thing, a lasting mind shift that will help me view my world in a new “all things are possible” light.

By-the-way, fuck you Dido. My life isn’t all that bad. Sure, I lost the man but now I have STOCKS! Those little guys are sexy AF.

Money Grubbing

With all this opportunity flaunting itself everywhere, my primary urges scream “I need money! I want more money to invest. Must invest. Must invest. I’m in a hurry. I only have 20 years until retirement. Must push hard. I NEED CASH!!!”

This desperation is a bit scary, I’ll admit. It has me considering stupid-ass shit.

Could I move my daughter’s college fund into the stock market? No. Bad girl. Leave it alone.

How about my emergency fund? Surely I’d make money off that chunk of change ASAP, right? No, no, NO TOUCHING! (The savings account is literally named “No Touching.”) Leave that alone, Lady.

Should I start driving for Uber like I planned? Can I bill more hours this week? I NEED CASH!

But you can’t get blood from a stone and I need to control these urges. My priority is debt elimination. (I now chant this silently to myself when I get all excited.)

Desperation is ugly–and this Lady is single. She needs her looks….and to put first things first.


Now, I know this money-grubbing investment whore isn’t really me.

I’m a Lady. In fact, I am THE Lady. I have balance and class and poise. A week of being a bit over-enthusiastic won’t ruin my reputation. (Will it?) I know that patience is a virtue and a women’s virtue must be protected at all cost. (In other news, I might be binge-watching too much Reign.)

This Lady will settle into a nice comfortable investment equilibrium. And I’m sure to eventually get one of those “strategy”-things that everyone is all about these days.

Do I have a TON to learn? Yes. Will I be reckless and lose some money? Yes, probably. Will I have the self control to restrain all these powerful “urges”? Yes. After all, I’m a good girl. Yet, I can’t deny that my “first-time” tumble into investing has been one wild ride.

Smoke ’em if you got ’em.




    1. Well, with only $500 in, I wouldn’t call any of them “big” in either direction. My biggest “loser” so far is OPTT (down $9.) I have big hopes for this one for the long run. The rest are holding their own. My emerging markets ETF (VWO) has been doing well.

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