investing for beginners

(Not So) Ashamed to Say: I’m a Promiscuous Investor


The Lady in the Black is celebrating 6 months as an investor. When a Lady such as myself (single, investing naive, and a little financially blonde) places herself in the open market, it’s natural to want to play the field, right? Ok, fine. Whatever. Some might call me a promiscuous investor. 

Truth is, when it comes being a newbie investing, I get around.

I can’t help it. There are just some many exciting and handsome opportunities out there. With all the action I’ve been getting in the last 6 months, it’s a wonder I haven’t lost my shirt.

Last month, as I was reviewing my portfolio, it occurred to me that my investments somehow mirror the male archetypes of my youth. I have a working theory how dating preferences may in fact directly correlate to investment risk tolerances but I digress. For now, let’s just have a little good-old fashioned fun.

As way of background, it might be helpful for you to know that The Lady in the Black is GenX through and through. My early attractions and sexual awakenings were deep-seated in the 80s, right aside John Hughes films and hair bands.

So this should be fun, right? I mean, who doesn’t like a little casual sex with their personal finances?

Let the pun begin.

The Investments The Lady is Fooling Around With


The Bad Boys

Oh, there’s just something so….[fans face]…alluring about the bad boys. They are raw. They defy convention. They are brash and spiky and unpredictable. These rebels make your heart pound and your net worths tingle.

Intuitively, you know getting mixed up with them makes no kind of sense. But there’s always that thought in the back of your mind, “what if they grow up a bit? What if they just found the right girl?” All girls want to believe that bad boys might have some long-term potential.

I’ll admit it. Straight out of the investing gate, I took up with a few bad boys. These stocks didn’t cost me much and they’ve kept me guessing since Day 1. Sure, sure, they aren’t treating me very well right now but I can’t seem to cut them off.

Call me crazy. I just love a bit of bad boy drama. For now, I’ll just watch them flail around with their Rebel Yell.

Current Bad Boy Investments: KED, KALA, AOR

Oh, Jake.

The Jake Ryans Of The World

Man, Jake Ryan. Look at him. The perfect hair. The perfect car. The perfect package.

He’s the strong solid type, the boy you don’t think you deserve. He’s rich and nearly unattainable. He’s attractive and shiny and goddamn All-Fucking-American. Jake Ryan will show you a nice time and drop you home before your curfew. He’s respectful, maybe a bit entitled, but he’ll rescue you and kiss you on your birthday.

The Jake Ryan investments are the ones you want to take home to your financial planner and say “Look! Look how great I’m doing.” They are the ones you plan to hold onto until you are old and can’t remember your kid’s birthday. Jake Ryan stocks aren’t perfect but they are pretty dreamy, increasing their value your heart, mind, and wallet nearly everyday.

Current Jake Ryan Investments: TXN, ALL, SBUX, F, MGC, ABBV


The Geeks

Remember Val Kilmer in Real Genius, Matthew Broderick in War Games, or Anthony Michael Hall in The Breakfast Club? Or MacGyver? Good God, MacGyver. Let’s hear it for the geeks.

This Lady has a proven track record for falling for the geeked-out intellectuals. Seriously. Ask my friends. The geeks are perfectly adorable in the way they simply defy social conventions. Geeks are often, and tragically, under valued. Sure, they might act awkward and clumsy. They just need loving encouragement, a little guidance, and an opportunity to shine.

My geek stocks are those that probably only I see as beautiful. Somewhat similar to the bad boys, they might not always do the right thing but their heart is in the right place. I have a few long-shot geek stocks that I root for everyday–mostly due to their ability to make something out of nothing.

Hey, geeks might just save our planet in the end.

Current Geek Stocks: CPST, OPTT, ICLN, VGT, SKYY

So adorable.

The Michael P. Keatons

Michael P. Keaton might be the only Republican that I crush on…well, that’s not exactly true, but he was the first.

For those not in the know, Michael P. Keaton was the first-born, academically proficient, economically savvy son of hippies. He was a square peg in a round hole. His passion for economics and wealth were lost on me as a young tween. Sure, he was quippy and cute but I never really “got” him.

However, now, as a woman learning about personal finances, I find Michael P. Keaton more and more attractive, despite his right-wing politics and pleated pants. Michael P. Keaton investments are, first and foremost, smart. They hold long-term potential and sustainable appeal. These investments might not be too very exciting but they make financial sense. They might not give you the shivers but they are responsible investments.

Current Michael P. Keaton Investments: SPLV, IWF, VUG, VTI


Ladies. It doesn’t matter how you start investing or who you end up fooling around with at first. It really doesn’t.

Investments, like men, come in all shapes and sizes. You don’t have to wait to find the perfect one before you dive in.

I started by purchasing partial shares of ETFs via the STASH app. It was fun and exciting. Then, I advanced up to purchasing some individual stocks via a brokerage account. That was super exciting even though I knew little of what I was doing. Now, six months later, I’m settling into the reality that playing the field is fine. In fact, it’s recommended. It’s what the experts call “diversifying your portfolio.”

Sure, you might hook up with a few losers. Hey, a few might even break your heart. But, if you put in the TLC investing deserves, these cute boys may very well be the ones taking care of you when you are an old lady.

Be a little adventurous. Be a little daring. Be a little promiscuous.

Investing, just like dating, can sound scary. But once you get past the nervousness, you can have a lot of fun.




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